Twelve More Days

Until Jack is Back and it doesn’t even really matter.

I haven’t seen TV this season. Oh wait, I saw one episode of House, and I’ve had Bones on with no sound in the background a few times.

I used to watch a lot of TV, but since Livvie was born three years ago I cut down my viewing considerably. The only offerings I cared about with any religious fervor each year were House, because Hugh Laurie is the effing bomb, and always has been, Bones, because dammit, getting to see David Boreanaz SMILE on a regular basis is a nice change from the Buffy/Angel days, 24, because Jack Bauer does to people pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted to do in anger, and American Idol, because both Rich and I adored waiting for whatever Paula was going to say or do next, and both of us love trashing the vain and self-important. Now that Paula is gone there might be no point in watching.

Yeah, all of those are on FOX. Hush.

I DVRd Bones this season, but I forgot to set the machine to record the whole season of House. When I made this realization I simply nodded my head and moved along. I guess I could try to catch it in reruns, on one of the thousands of channels that are now offering the series, but I’m starting to not really care. 24 is still set to record from last year. Missing that one, and I KNOW I will miss it this season, will be the most difficult. The night before Jonas was born I started going into labor at 5 o’clock. There was NO WAY I was missing 24 that night. Last season was a literal nail biter, and Rich and I spent many Monday nights getting pissed at the TV screen for the plot twists, and I paced a lot of miles between the kitchen and living room because I couldn’t sit still for another second. By 9pm my contractions were about 5 minutes apart, and I sat on the sofa and watched the entire hour. At 10pm they were still 5 minutes apart, the show had ended, and I finally called the doctor.

So yeah, missing this season is going to be hard.

I figure though, that since I have no idea for the most part what is going on with any of these shows this season I can make it all up in my head. I might as well. I might never get around to watching any of it, since I won’t watch any of these while my kids are awake, and I’m too tired at night to watch them then. So. I’m going to offer what I think is taking place. I’ll find out later if I’m correct.

This will be a series over the next few days.

I’ll start with Bones. Last year Brennan wanted to get knocked up and Booth had a brain tumor and Angela was on a celibacy kick and Hodgins was pining for Angela and Zack was still locked away for going berserk, subjecting us all to the Revolving Interns, and even though Camille adopted the teenage daughter of an ex-man-unit she was dreadfully underused.

*breathes*

Got all that?

Oh yeah, Sweets was discovered to have been subjected to mythic levels of abuse as a child. I finally started enjoying Sweets. I feel bad that I almost forgot him.

So this year, in my head at least, Brennan will discover that it will be just as difficult to get pregnant as it is for her to get a joke. She, having a ton of money at her disposal from her book sales and her day job, will be seeking help from the most respected fertility specialists in the world. This is going to piss her off, and she’ll start screwing up at her job. SINCE she’s Brennan, she will not end up on the verge of unemployment as Hodgins did for a fairly minor transgression. By the end of the season Brennan will be in an utter state of despair, being completely unused to failing in anything, but because this is TeeVee the last two episodes will involve her falling into Booth’s waiting crotch, miraculously getting pregnant the old fashioned way, and seeing the “long” awaited second line on her pee stick.

Camille will still be underused, being relegated to rolling her eyes on a continual basis. At some point she’ll get drunk and show up for work with a tramp stamp that reads, “TOKEN.” Only Booth will get it.

Angela will finally have to do some work, using the years of standing around watching Brennan get shit done to help cover Brennan’s ass. That’s about it. She’s sweet, but she bugs me, so I’m not giving her anymore space.

Hodgins will be recruited by The Lone Gunmen for his trust account, and the FBI will have to start watching him even more carefully than they do now. Shut up. I can combine two FOX shows if I wanna. T.J. Thyne will also be contractually obligated to remove his shirt at least once per episode.

Sweets will go on a bitchslapping frenzy after being driven insane by the sheer lunacy of the behavior at The Jeffersonian, and because this is TeeVee, he’ll be quartered with Zack. Because I miss Zack. In my head they’ll play Uno and 500 Rummy for hours at a time while discussing the most random nerd shit you can imagine.

Booth will dance around the idea of getting himself a real girlfriend who isn’t completely oblivious, but naturally none of his attempts will succeed. See The Boink of Brennan in the next to last episode. The producers will finally go ahead and attach a codpiece to him, eliminating the need for the chicks in the audience to attempt to squint to read the belt buckles (see how I fit “squint” in there?) and each week’s codpiece will contain a Word from Our Sponsors.

And then, after all of this, next season will suck for pay.

I’ll be back tomorrow with House. If anyone is watching Bones, am I right about any of this?