Not So Wordless Wednesday V
Are you guys still into this? Because it seems like you’re not into this. Oh at first you all jumped in with both feet and tried to raise the level of joy in the world, but over the past few weeks fewer and fewer of you have offered anything happy in the comments. Is it that you have no happy? Or are you simply over it all?
Me? I still want to be happy. You bunch of grumpy ass wankers can sit and stew.
So I’m sitting here writing my book, and Rich comes along and kills a major plot point. Flat out takes it behind the shed and puts a bullet in its head. Now, I’m grateful that he did that, because I wouldn’t want to submit it to someone and look like an idiot, but fuck. FUCK. Now I have to rethink most of everything. If you think that I’m presenting this as Bad News on a Wednesday, think again. This is actually Good News. Why? Because my husband has taken an interest in what I’m doing, and he’s participating in the process.
Life isn’t only easier, but it’s also more fun when you have someone with whom you can share your Self- be it a spouse, a partner, a best friend, family, whomever. I can think of several times in my life when I felt excited about something but wasn’t with a person who would even care.
As a matter of fact, the last guy I dated before I met Rich would often turn his head and completely ignore me during some of my most excited utterances. I’m not going to lie, though. There are things that I’ll be completely over the moon about, and when I tell Rich about it he couldn’t care less. The reverse is true as well. When he was restoring Fuckingboat I was bored out of my mind by most of the things he told me about the process. I suspect that was because I was sick of the timesuck that boat had become, but I wasn’t even able to muster excitement. I know that hurt his feelings. He was so proud of what he had done, and when he was finished I WAS able to generate real excitement and pride over his work. I’ve learned a few things since then.
Pay Attention
In every conversation. I always considered myself a good listener, but over the years as shit piled into my head and wouldn’t leave I would find myself turning problems around in my head while people were talking. It doesn’t work if you’re only hearing every third word. If I had a dime for every time I said, “I’m sorry, what did you say?” I’d never need to win the lottery. That’s not cool. It’s more difficult while on the phone, because invariably the kids are swinging from the ceiling, and my attention gets diverted. Sometimes that’s ok. It’s NOT ok if someone is attempting to reveal something important. Never feel like you can’t say to someone, “I don’t have the bandwidth to listen the way you need me to right now. We need to talk later when I can.” I should hope that the person who needs your ear will appreciate that and not take it the wrong way, but I do have to admit that it took me a few years to not feel stung when Rich would say that to me. I did learn, though, that when he is capable of sitting and listening he does it completely. THAT, my friends, is what matters.
Be Enthusiastic
But never, ever fake it. Seriously, do not fake it. People, especially people who love you, can tell when they’re being snowed. If you can’t muster up some enthusiasm, simply touch on the topic and move along in the conversation. It’s hard to do without practice, because you could end up sounding like you’re a complete dick, but try it out. What you SHOULD learn to do is grow some real enthusiasm. Real enthusiasm over someone’s news, dreams, feelings, major purchases is what everyone wants when they open their mouths from the start. I’ll keep using my relationship with Rich for examples, because it’s what I know best. He’s repairing our old house in order to make it sellable, and he comes home with a list of everything he’s done at each trip there. It should be a very dry thing. Boring as hell. But he left the first list on the counter when he came home, and when I picked it up I was reading along and got to, “Scratched Butt.” So I laughed and asked him how much time that had taken from his workload, and we started discussing his progress. He is very proud of the work he’s doing over there, and when he tells me how much he’s slammed through in a single day I tell him he’s doing a fantastic job. I mean it. It’s easier to muster enthusiasm for the people we actually love. He’s reciprocating by showing enthusiasm for my work as well. In the beginning the idea of it all bored him to tears, and he made no bones about it. That’s how he rolls. Now, however, my excitement for what I’m doing is becoming infectious. He’s got da cooties.
Don’t Interrupt
No excuses. If you fear that you’ll forget what you were going to say unless you say it Right Now, grab a pen and write a crib note on your frigging hand. Just don’t include the words, “Hopey Changey.” That’s really all I have to say about that.
Step Back
This is directed to the person who is doing the talking. It’s directly related to “Pay Attention.” While you’re speaking to someone notice if they are doing a good job of listening at the moment. If they don’t seem to be, stop talking. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Don’t get snotty. Leave the sarcasm at the curb. If you’re in the middle of a sentence and you see a drift away, finish the sentence and then say, “I can tell you’re distracted. Let’s talk about this later when you can give me some time.” CALMLY. Mean it. Don’t use it as a weapon to fire the opening salvo for a fight. Manipulation is for dickheads. If the person responds that they were listening, that’s your cue to reply, “I appreciate that, but I’d still like to wait and have this conversation later.”
No sarcasm.
No snot.
The whole point of all of this is for us to learn how to be nicer to each other.
We need to learn (drill it into our heads with a Garden Weasel) in our relationships that the phrase “give and take” lists give first. Our species is pretty selfish by nature. We’re born selfish, and we’re taught compassion and to be polite. We really need to get better at it.
To finish, I present you with my good things for the past week.
I got an email from Rich today pointing to Good Things on the job front.
I was smart enough to pick up a cigarette instead of a skillet with which to beat my family senseless.
Our snowfall last week was deep enough to play, but melted quickly enough that it didn’t become obnoxious.
Yesterday my back yard was overrun with at least 300 robins.
I found an awesome new TV show to watch.
I got a new computer that doesn’t make me chew my nails in terror.
I rediscovered my love of photography.
I worked on my book even though I’m stumped now.
I spent 90 minutes on the phone with a very good, old friend. It felt fantastic.
Livvie learned how to use a mouse.
The other night when I made the sausage and broccoli penne for dinner Livvie said, “Oh! This is my FAVORITE!”
The buds are coming out on our trees.
I made a fantastic Valentine’s dinner.
I had a conversation on the phone with my aunt, and she was lucid.
Ok, if you’re still into this idea, it’s your turn. If you want me to avoid this altogether on Wednesdays, let me know that as well.
Have a great day, folks. *smooch*
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- - February 19, 2010
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Weekly goodness:
-Yesterday I had an impromptu hour long phone interview that culminated into an invitation to do a 2 hour in-person interview tomorrow.
-Man Unit and I went to a favorite restaurant for V Day and I turned heads in a room already packed with snazziness. Must’ve been the bewbz. heh.
More than the bewbz. It’s your presence. You put lesser chicks to shame.
My fingers are crossed for the interview so tightly they hurt.
i had really yummy Amy’s thai coconut canned soup for lunch. i mean, it was really yummy.
the kids played outside today and actually wanted to come back inside at the same time.
the kids jumped for joy when they each got a new book series today (ozzie: star wars. zoe: fairies) and are ready to devour them. i loves me a good book series.
yankee let me kiss his cheeks and he didn’t jump off the bed when i sat down next to him. well he did eventually but it was a good 5 minutes later.
The kids coming in together is most excellent.
Next time Mr Yankee lets you smooch on him, give him one from me.
My girl, Weswie, is here for a week and even though it’s under sad circumstances, she has changed everything abaout my mood-life. She re-energizes, she makes me laugh at a deep and disturbing level, she shows that there’s fun to be had in making tentacles curl up on the BBQ grille (octopus last night), she loves me because I am at one with my strangness and have no fear in waving my freak flag (no one else loves me for that profoundness – she OWNS me), and she’s helping me think through what will happen after CatDaddy goes on to the next life. All SO good. i am grateful for her.
CatDaddy brought me home a bag of dark chocolate and raspberry candies for no reason at all. I don’t eat chocolate but man, raspberries send me to the moon.
The cheddar cheese fondue experiment rocked the seismograph it was so good.
Lyta let me clip her butt hairs and expel an impacted anal gland last night. That saved a $60 a vet visit. She still loves me this AM which makes another good.
THE PINK MAGNOLIA TREES ARE IN BLOOM. They bloom at the time of year when my aability to hold on, hold on is at it’s absolute lowest point. By the time the bloom ends, it will be spring and my desire to dissolve will once again pass.
I got a tote bag that says “I Put Out” as thanks for flashing my bewbs online for a good cause, a Haiti fundraiser. I’ll take tote bag over beads any day.
My house is cleaner than it has been in years. Not clean, not all tidy, but no longer a “BEFORE” scene from Hoarders.
I have Jewels as a friend who reminds me to look at everything closely, turn it over a few times, and take in the lessons learned. She also picks apart HOUSE which rocks my world. I love her.
You’re the best. You know how to get giggles from me when it seems there are none to be had.
*My mom’s sudden hearing loss turned out to be something very treatable.
*One of my kiddos was so excited today to get to tell me about going on his Disney Cruise: “MISS BETSY I SAW CAPTAIN MICKEY!”, shouted with immeasurable joy and enthusiasm. Made my day.
*I’ve re-re-re-re-re-joined Weight Watchers and am feeling motivated and happy about it.
*I might really be able to afford a new car this year.
*I reconnected with a very old friend on FB.
*I have an appt for cut and color on Friday! AND I have the money to pay for said cut and color!
I’m very glad about your mom. Your parents are still some of my favorite people, even though we’ve never met.
Who remembers the hamster dance. Ian is singing that all the time. The kids have not been in school for a week and a half and yes it is snowing as we speak. I have sent out a boatload of resumes over the last couple of days, and I’m really hoping for a hit pretty soon. The law of averages is now of MY SIDE. I wish I had some really good news to share, but, alas, not yet. I have survived the avalanche of crap over the last couple of weeks and, for that, I am glad.
I have the Hamster Dance CD. Still looking for jobs for you. Not much here.
Dont avoid it-
Dh surprised me with a banana split blizzard- no pineapple- tonight. Glad there was a good point to my day.
I’m glad as well. *hugs*
Sorry to have been a Goodness Slacker. Last week’s comment would have said that we had an awesome trip to visit snow in Hendersonville, NC. Seeing snow for the first time rocked my daughter’s world and her joy made my life wonderful for 3 entire days.
This week’s good things are much more modest:
** I did not kill my significant other even though he’s deserved it on several different occasions. In fact, I WALKED AWAY from him rather than continuing a pointless fight, which is monumental progress on my part.
** I have had two full days without the debilitating sinus headache that has been plaguing me since shortly after Christmas.
** I did not puke at a fundraising dinner when my daughter puked on me. Also huge progress!
** I met 2 local women who actually seem to be real human beings instead of Barbie dolls with voices. They don’t care that I don’t I wear Jimmy Choos and my daughter doesn’t wear Lilly Pulitzer. Which is good, because until very recently, I didn’t even know who those people were.
Sometimes it’s the little things, you know?
It is EXACTLY the little things.
Who the F is Lilly Pulitzer?
Very glad you got to enjoy some of our snow.
I ate cheesecake for dinner. Win!
I have the next 2 whole days off so my feet can rest up. Win!
My puppy really loves me. Win!
All three of those sound fantastic to me.
Okay, so I am really late on this but I’ve actually had a busy week for an unemployed gal (and WordPress was down when I tried getting on yesterday).
First of all, the stuff on communication and listening is absolutely amazing. So true! I stop talking when I realize my bf has glazed over/tuned me out. I ask if he is listening or if I should finish later (calmly, not snarky) and his reply is often, “try it again” … in my younger years, that would annoy the living hell out of me and probably piss me off, but now I realize that he did catch himself in tune-out mode and when he utters that phrase, I then have his full attention.
Okay, so after having a mini-meltdown early Wed (2:30am) about not getting any calls for jobs I have applied for and resigning to the fact that I need to prepare to move to get work out of state, I received calls later that day, completed 2 phone interviews and completed my first on-site interview yesterday. I had not been an interviewee in 10 years! I was used to being the interviewer, so I didn’t know if I would be nervous. I was interviewed by 8 managers, yes that’s right, 8 people for 1 job. I wasn’t nervous though and it went extremely well. Now, I don’t know if I’ll get the job… this is a global company that has recruiters setting them up to interview a lot of candidates. But it felt fantastic to get the first interview over with and to receive confirmation that not all of my resumes have been lost in a black hole. I had submitted my resume for that job in December… everyone is slow moving these days I guess.
I also had a fantastic Valentine’s weekend. I spent fun time with girl friends, spent quality time with the bf, and he gave me a card where he had written the sweetest thing he has ever written or said to me. =) That my friends means everything more than diamonds or gold!
Oh hell. I hope this is it. You NEED a job.
Thanks, and word!