Ninja skills. I has dem.
I have always been one of those people who is perfectly capable of tripping over abnormally large molecules of air.
Forget about doorjambs. If I’m walking through the house and I pass through a doorway it’s a guarantee that I’ll somehow tip sideways briefly and slam my shoulder and upper arm into the jamb.
I have no grace.
Usually.
Remember Jack Tripper on Three’s Company? It’s almost that bad. It always has been. If props are added into the equation I’m bound to end up faceplanting somehow. One New Year’s Eve it was raining, and I had toted my X-Box to a friend’s small party so we could sit and kick little schoolgirl ass playing DOA3. I drove home, two blocks away, and as I got out of the car I reached behind my seat and grabbed the strap from the X-Box bag. I turned to walk to my apartment, the bag got hung up on the seat somehow, and I landed face first in a mud puddle.
It’s become the stuff of legend, because even though there were no witnesses (I jumped up and cased the area) I was dumb enough to open my mouth about it when I placed the phone call to let them know I had arrived home “safely.”
I have a confession. Sometimes I watch those idiot “home video” programs on TV just so I can feel superior.
I’ve grown so used to being clumsy over the years that I’m never surprised by any of the random injuries I receive. I am, however, somewhat heartbroken that my daughter appears to be headed in the same direction. I’ve watched her injure herself in ridiculous ways, and considering that my father was also something of a klutz I’m pretty certain she can’t escape her destiny.
Yesterday I had occasion to notice that although I’m a walking accident about 90% of the time, sometimes I’m afforded a certain amount of grace to handle a situation. I realized that those moments seem to occur only when it really matters. When I was lying in bed last night I was wondering if it’s me, or if I’m getting help. If I’m getting help, who’s helping me? If it’s just me, why do I not have this grace in everyday situations, such as walking across the floor (an old friend used to refer to those moments as “Carpet Gophers” and chuckle as I went down).
If you’ve ever driven on I-95 you know that the posted speed limit means nothing, especially in the area of Northern Virginia and DC. You’ll also have noticed that if you don’t barrel along with the rest of traffic you’ll end up dead. In the summer of 2004 I was driving to NJ to visit my mother, and I had my dog Emma with me in the truck. I was in the far inside lane to avoid having to deal with people who were confused about how exit ramps work. My lane of traffic was doing about 80 in a 65 zone, and all of a sudden I saw red brake lights on the car in front of me. The entire lane ahead of him was not moving an inch.
First of all, I’m grateful that I was several car lengths behind. Second of all, I’m grateful that there’s a breakdown lane against the median on that section of the highway. I was doing 80 after all.
I had seconds, maybe two, to figure out how not to kill myself, and I tapped the brake, gently turned the wheel to the left and then straightened it again, and I coasted down the breakdown lane past the stopped traffic and came to a halt.
I have no idea how I managed it. In 2003 I had been given a choice to run over a cat or hit the curb on my way to work, and I had chosen to hit the curb. My tire blew out, and the wheel itself got totally mangled.
I was thinking about this yesterday because while I was emptying the dishwasher I prevented a catastrophe. I keep the larger knives
in the cabinet above the dishwasher so the kids can’t get to them. I removed both of them from the dishwasher yesterday and placed them in the cabinet above my head. Livvie was standing next to me so she could “help” with the dishes, and I reached into the machine to get something else from the top rack. I heard a noise and looked up to see the smaller of the two knives (about 12 inches tip to hilt) sliding out of the cabinet.
It amazes me how quickly thoughts pass through your head. Milliseconds? It had to be. In my mind I saw the knife hit the counter and bounce in Livvie’s direction.
So I raised my hand, the hilt of the knife hit my palm, and I closed my fingers around it.
Livvie said, “Great catch, Mommy!”
Yeah. It was.
People say that without seeing they can’t believe. People look at the massive tragedies that happen in this world and insist that it’s proof that there’s nothing larger than us.
Last night I decided that the Divine is in the smaller moments. Grace (and I mean both definitions) is given to us when it’s most significant, but many of us aren’t even able to notice.
Do I think that God Himself reached down and raised my hand to catch that knife? No. I don’t think He/She operates that way. I do believe, though, that there are times when even the most average of us can tap into what we need to handle a given situation. I believe it’s always there. I believe that most of the time most of us are too involved with the mundane to make use of it.
So I’m going to be thankful that there are occasions when I actually do get to see the Divine. I’m also going to make an attempt to notice it more often.
Because it’s everywhere.
13 Responses to “Ninja skills. I has dem.”
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Now, jump up in a perfect crane kick and smack the agent sneaking up behind you, while complaining about which pill you took.
Do it!
Nice catch
I complain about which pills I take every day. Nothing new there.
When my trainer asked me to do something that required both balance and strength, I showed her my knees and said “serious lack of grace here.” Since then, I am certain that I am the client to whom she exclaims “Now, don’t fall down!” the most.
That made me giggle.
I could have written most of this post myself, especially regarding doorjambs and tripping over air (I usually say that I trip over dust). My poor daughter also seems to be headed in the same direction. When she was a baby, I fell in a parking lot, with her in my arms. Something kicked in and the next thing I knew, I was flat on the asphalt with her safely held high and away from me. I have no idea how that happened, as I usually break my falls with my arms. I am just thankful that whatever it is works when needed, because I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have relived that moment in my head, with a much messier ending – think watermelon meeting pavement at a high velocity.
I had a moment like that when Livvie was an infant and I did the same thing: rolled as I fell so she’d be on top.
Scary moments, those.
I am a Tonks as well. In the last several years I have stopped trying to straighten myself as I fall. I just go with it. As a result my falls are more spectacular but I injure myself less. Downside is more people see. I fell on a flat wooden floor at the bakery. Managed to flail my arms and do half a turn before landing on my side with my feet in the air. LOL Yeah that was fun. I attributed the fall to flour being on my shoes. Now I did not see any flour but what else would cause me to slip on nothing?
I would have paid someone to vid that and get it on Youtube.
I’ve been lucky to be reasonably immune to such problems, though I have had my moments. The worst was years ago I was playing on a co-ed soccer team, and it was just before a game. My guts were roiling a little bit on account of a Whopper from Burger King I’d had a couple hours before. The team was gathered in a circle before the match, on wet grass, passing the ball around to warm up. Someone kicked the ball to me, and it was headed toward me a little to the right about waist high. I lifted my right foot to pull it down, and my left foot — the plant foot — slipped out from under me on the grass. I have this recollection of looking up and seeing both feet stretched out in front of me before slamming on the ground.
Of course my “move” was hilarious to everyone who saw it. While they laughed riotously, I lay prone hoping that the explosion in my nether region I’d felt on impact was actually gas, and not, uh, some other form of output. I just stayed there a few moments, mentally praying to any higher power that might be listening, before making any moves to determine what had really done down “down there.”
Thankfully, it was just gas. Phew!
I laughed myself sick over this last night. I’ve been there.
Great post Julie.
As you know, my oldest son Alec, does this “tripping over air” thing daily. In fact, he was walking through the living room yesterday – across hardwood floors – and tripped spectacularly over…..NOTHING…..tried to catch himself by taking 3 large, gaping steps forward before succumbing to the Gforces and tripped AGAIN – did a half turn and landed sprawled out on his back in front of the front door.
What I hate about it is how completely helpless I am about it all – just sitting back and watching it unfold. I asked if he was ok or if he needed an icepack – he lay there and yelled back – no. I’ve learned it’s less mortifying for him if I don’t make a big deal out of it.
I call him Jack Tripper all the time. He has no clue what I’m talking about as he’s 12. I also refer to him as Clark Griswald – he “gets” that one.
I think you are right on about the Divine. And again, I really liked this post. I needed to read that today. Oh and GREAT catch with the knife!
In my opinion, if you’re going to fall, do it with as much drama as possible.
Last night I decided that the Divine is in the smaller moments. Grace (and I mean both definitions) is given to us when it’s most significant….
Beautiful!