“None More Black”

You know how folks say, “No offense,” to preface something, but really, deep down, they don’t give a shit whether or not you find it offensive?

It usually concerns them voicing their opinion? And no, opinions aren’t facts.

But there are “opinions” and then there are “learned opinions.”

This is a learned opinion-

Hey, Black Friday shoppers. You’re a bunch of goobers.

I remember when I moved down here 15 years ago, and the term “Black Friday” to describe the shopping day after Thanksgiving wasn’t in complete nationwide use yet. Some folks I spoke to had no idea what I meant until I explained the deal to them.

I miss those days.

Sure, back then stores would open early with “Door Buster” sales etc of limited quantities of certain items. Of course they did.

Like, 6am.

I thought anyone who would stand in a brightly lit store at 6am in order to buy The New Hot Thing was crazy.

This year has repulsed me.

Some background-

I worked in retail. I worked in retail for the better part of seventeen years, occasionally working short times in other fields, but always going back to retail. It was what I knew, and frankly, I was pretty damn good at it. No, trained monkeys can’t do that job. During the Holiday Season a trained monkey would let his base instincts take over and gnaw off a bitching customer’s face.

Over those seventeen years, if I was working retail over the holidays I ended up working every single Black Friday except the last one. The season before I left Borders my day off fell on Fridays, and I wasn’t on the schedule for Black Friday. I literally burst into tears with relief.

And I was in management.

Here’s something many folks don’t know- The Saturday before Christmas is traditionally the busiest shopping day of the year. I’d rather work a ten hour shift that day than work a Black Friday. Why?

Well, first of all, as far as I know no one ever died in a stampede at the doors on the Saturday before Christmas.

Over the last few years the hype surrounding Black Friday has whipped shoppers into a frenzy that is entirely manufactured by corporate retail America. Yes, you can get a new toaster today at Target for $3 if you were willing to be there at 4am. But here’s the thing-

The term Black Friday came into use because it was traditionally the first day of the holiday shopping season because most families were home as a unit the day after Thanksgiving. Back in the day employers were generally kind enough to give folks a four day weekend. People gathered together to celebrate on Thursday, and since people were home the next day they’d venture out to start their shopping. The sales would start pushing their books into the black.

Retail noticed.

And they started to manipulate.

See, yes, there are spectacular deals on this day. But take a good look at the sales circulars. Really look at them.

Most of them ain’t that awesome.

What are they doing? They’re tossing a few select things onto deep discount to get your asses in the stores where they hope and assume that you’ll buy other things while in there.

Proof- The ad that disgusted me most this year was Walmart blaring loudly that they’d be open all day Thanksgiving into Friday and overnight so people could shop while waiting for the sales to start at 5am.

(Right here I need to interject- shame on Walmart and Kmart for being open all day Thanksgiving in the first place. Your workers have families too. Regardless of Target’s issues, they closed the entire day on Thanksgiving.)

I’m not saying people shouldn’t shop the Friday after Thanksgiving. If you’re willing to camp outside for days or stand in the cold overnight to get a cheap TV that’s your business. I personally don’t like shopping at all, but that’s just me. What I am asking shoppers to do is to do me a few favors.

One- Behave yourselves. You all start to look like lunatics when you’re punching people out over parking spaces or that last GPS system on the shelf that’s 40% off. I know that many of you are otherwise polite and well-mannered people, so letting the opportunity to save a few bucks wipe out everything your momma ever taught you about how to treat others is just plain out of control. Quit it.

Two- (Related) Those cashiers and retail employees are not automated robotic shopping machines. Be nice to them, goddamnit. You’re out there at 3am? That’s fine. You’re the one who WANTS to be there. These folks are not only being asked to work in the middle of the night when they should be sleeping, but they have to break up your fights, listen to your pissy insults about them when the line is moving too slowly, and clean up the mess you all make when you don’t put things back where you found them. These are PEOPLE. And don’t give me any jackassery about “At least they have a job.” Employers know this, and they’re reaching the point where they’re demanding things from employees that are pure asshattery.

Three- (Related) PUT STUFF BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT. Really. Small example, but every time I find a gallon of milk on a shelf in the pharmacy department of a store I want to dust the goddamn thing for prints, go to the perp’s house, and beat him/her with a tire iron. These people do work hard. I don’t care if you look at their pay rate and think less of them. I. Don’t. Care. There are bad apples in every profession, but retail workers bust their asses. FOR YOU. If they came into your job and moved all of your shit around or left empty cups in the middle of your desk you’d flip your wig. Golden Rule, folks. Learn it.

Four- For God’s sake get in the correct checkout lane. If it says “Express” or “Cash Only” for some reason, there’s a reason. I keep telling my daughter that she’d be far happier and get pissed off less often if she’d listen to me and follow instructions in the first place. As it is she always seems surprised when her ideas are thwarted. Folks, I saw a woman throw a heavy glass Christmas ornament at a cashier when I worked at Pottery Barn because the cashier couldn’t take her payment, and she’d ignored that posted fact. Again. Quit it. Pay attention.

(Interjecting that an email just landed in my inbox with THIS subject line- “Doorbuster ALERT!  ALL Friday Doorbusters EXTENDED to 10pm Tonight!  Hurry In!” Ta-DA. Of course they are…)

I’m not going to advocate a Buy Nothing Day, because it’s a fact that buying things drives the economy, and if these businesses don’t make money payroll hours get cut, there are fewer employees on hand, store management gets stressed to the breaking point trying to make do, and then customers get pissed because they have fewer people to help them and have to wait in longer lines.

What I am going to do is ask you to go to a store the Saturday before Christmas, watch how people who waited until the last minute are behaving even though they’re running out of time, and apply that behavior to Black Friday if you choose to shop.

And I’m going to add one more request.

Five- When you take your purchases to leave, look your cashier in the eye and say, “Thank you.” You could even add, “Have a nice day.”